I’ve always envied the people who didn’t really care what other people thought of them. They just have this way about them that seems so confident, whether that be the truth or not, and that nothing that people say or do will stop them from doing the things they want, or stop them from liking the things they’re interested in. As much as I wish I was that type of person, I’m not. I do care what people think about me.
I’ve always been a shy, reserved person. I tend to stay in the background and away from everyone where they won’t notice me. You see it in all the movies, when the main person who has a fear of being judged wants to be popular in school, or wants to be remembered when they leave that school. For me, it’s the complete opposite. I like to do things on my own more than with other people–especially people I don’t know. If I don’t absolutely have to work in a group, I won’t. A lot of the reason for this is because of my shyness, but I know that part of it is because I don’t want people to judge me. If I work alone and stay out of people’s way, then they don’t really care, which is how I like it.
I hate liking to be the person that nobody notices. It doesn’t make that much sense when it’s said out loud, but it makes sense to me. I know that if I didn’t care that much about what other people thought of me, then it would probably be a lot easier to talk to people I didn’t know, and it would be easier to be friends. When I talk to a stranger, I become awkward and can’t seem to hold a conversation very well, which I know doesn’t make that person want to continue talking to me. My logic is that deep down, I know I don’t want to be myself around that person because I fear what they will think about me.
It’s always kind of confused me. I like being that person in the background, but then I always seem to think about why it’s so difficult for me to make friends. So many people have told me to just try harder when I’m talking to somebody I just met, but I do try, which is something I’ve tried to explain many times. It’s hard for me to talk to a person in general because I’m so shy, and then I also have all these thoughts lingering in the back of my mind. They probably thought I was weird. They’re most likely going to be talking about me to their friends. Did they think I was rude?